Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Kevin here, and I am delighted to present this week’s TGPFF power rankings for your reading pleasure. I’ve been wanting to sit down and write one of these for some time now, but now that I’m here… such pressure! What do I do for a theme? How do I make it fun? Most of all, how can I poke Brad at every opportunity?
I can’t claim to know everyone in the league as well as Brad and Mia and that’s a real shame. Some of you might only know me for how good I look in a burgundy jacket, but since the age of Covid began others may only know my sterling reputation as the standing, two-time league champion. That’s… actually all you need to know! Now if that makes me some kind of villain in your eyes well then so be it; I’ll gladly pay that price to keep this trophy off the streets.
That said, I would posit that we are all villains in some respect. It’s just a matter of perspective! With so much parity in our league this year we’re guaranteed as much heartbreak as happiness come Week 14… we just don’t know who’s locking out who yet. With only three weeks remaining you’re all looking to dominate everyone else as much as I am, so here are MY power rankings through the end of the regular season: Disney Villain Edition.
12. Judge Jeudy (4-7, 1233.18 PF)
Hey look! Richie’s at the top this week! Too bad we’re going in reverse order though…
Richie, you’re not eliminated from playoff contention, but sitting at 4-7 with the fewest points scored (the tie breaker for similar records) you’re on the outside looking in. Even if you miss though you’re primed for sabotaging the hopes and dreams of your remaining matchups (and I’m well aware that I’m one of them), just like Stinky Pete!
The good is that Christian McCaffrey looks as healthy as ever, Keenan Allen is back to being the #1 target for the Chargers, and Brady is… well he’s Tom fucking Brady. The bad is that they can’t seem to get on the same page to win NOW. Starting Dan Arnold over Ertz was probably the right move last week, but tough to see their scores pan out as they did.
But how are you the villain?
Frankly, I’m a little jealous that five teams got to play you with CMC on IR and here I am about to get smoked by him a second time this season. Feels like you’re trying to prevent me from returning to the playoffs at any cost, just like Pete tried to keep Woody from going home. Well good luck, sir… Darnell Mooney just put his snake in your boots!
11. Establish the Fun (5-6, 1273.86 PF)
Ivan, It’s been a rough go of late; you’re 2-4 in the last six games and haven’t surpassed 120 since week 6. You’re only two games back from first but the team scoring trend isn’t exactly confidence inspiring. Put simply, your team is collection of poor, unfortunate souls… like Ursula!
Speaking of unfortunate, your top receiver is on bye and you’re squaring off against Kimi, the top scoring team in the league. You’re also looking at starting two right ends, both of whom have very low scoring floors. But it’s not all bad! Cordarrelle Patterson (pickup of the year arguably) appears to be starting and boy do the Falcons need him. Metcalf has been down with poor play from Russ, but I think he’ll return to form this week against a soft Washington defense.
But how are you the villain?
Back in September you lost to Brad in a pretty crushing 70-138 loss. But just a couple days later you managed to snag Patterson for $20, savagely beating Brad who also bid $20! Can you imagine where his team would be with that kind of RB production? Diabolical!
10. Casa Gronka (5-6, 1266.42 PF)
Drew, you’ve built a strong team through careful calculation. At 5-6 your far from out of the running, but just like Ivan you too haven’t scored 120+ since week 6. One thing’s for sure; you’re searching for a diamond in the rough and will stop at nothing to get it. Who does that remind me of? Oh yes, perhaps the most well known villain in the list! Jafar!
On paper your team is stacked. Ezekiel Elliott may yet play to his 1st round potential, Scary Terry is almost always good for double-digit scoring, and don’t get me started on Danger-Russ. How did we let this draft come to you? I can’t rule out hypnosis.
Only problem is the injuries plaguing your team; it’s not enough that Russ had to miss his first games in 10 seasons… he had to come back and tank your scoring potential too. Zeke is a little banged up and while he hasn’t performed terribly it’s opened the door up for Pollard to make an RBBC. And when Hopkins has to miss games (he’s only missed two over EIGHT seasons) you know it’s bad. You’re scoring in the past four weeks has been anywhere between 94 and 110; enough to win games when your opponents have bad weeks but not enough to beat healthy ones with strong matchups.
The good news is that you’re making some strong moves on the wire to fix all of the above. Tyrod may have only just won his first game as a Texan but it came against the Titans! You’ll have some hard start-sit decisions to make but the team potential is there.
But how are you the villain?
Your waiver activity in recent weeks (tied for most moves at 35) shows you’re not afraid to cast anyone aside to achieve your goals. You even banished an entire team of dolphins to the ends of the earth, paying $16 for the pleasure!
9. Koo Koo Kachoo (4-7, 1380.52 PF)
Kimi, you’ve been the highest scoring team in the league for a while now, but after a disappointing start the wins are now coming too… and that’s terrifying for the rest of us. Your team is a straight up monster, like Chernabog of Fantasia fame:
The catch is that you’re still lacking in the wins department, relatively speaking. Worse yet is that win or no-win, your team scoring has started to show some cracks in recent weeks. DJ Moore, Williams, Devonta Smith, and Cooks all have tremendous scoring ability but it’s difficult to know who’s going to go off. With no legitimate receiving threats on the Falcons, defense are starting to gang up on poor lil’ Kyle Pitts too. These guys all need to show up to keep your playoff hopes alive.
Fortunately, Ekeler and Najee are two top-four RBs and Dak can clearly put up points with or without Cooper and Lamb. You’ve also never scored less than 100 points all season… something NO ONE ELSE IN THE LEAGUE can say.
But how are you the villain?
Mike Williams has only surpassed 1000 yards once in his 4 year career, and so most would have thought he was a ‘dead’ pick. After last week I’d have said Dak was similarly ‘dead’ with no Cooper and Lamb to catch. But Chernabog don’t care! Chernabog raises the dead to perform his bidding! Kudos to your necromancy!
8. Kiss My Bass (6-5, 1239.56 PF)
With 6 wins and only 1239 points scored this year, Hannah, your team may not be murderous but it’s certainly cruel. Your average margin of victory for those 6 wins? 13 points! Any team prevented from going to the big ball might just have you, or should I say Lady Tremaine, for missing it.
Despite being 6-5 though things aren’t looking good for you to make it to the ball yourself. Coming off two losses scoring 86 and 92 points respectively you’re going to need more points to win full stop. With Kyler on bye, Elijah Mitchell injured and poor RB depth to support the next few weeks will be a struggle. Worse yet you close out the season against the (current) two top scoring teams on the season.
That said anything can happen on any given Sunday and your wins give you a shot. Your opponent this week turned in a lackluster performance with Swift getting injured, so maybe you’ve got a little more sabotage left in you.
But how are you the villain?
If you’re Lady Tremaine in this story Cinderella must be Kimi. Not only did you hand out her third loss on the season in Week 3 but you crushed her highest score to date at that, 154-142. If she gets stressed like I do I bet she spent all that afternoon cleaning her apartment to avoid looking at the score. Don’t feel too bad though- she’d go on to beat Brad the following week.
7. Waller? I Hardly Knew Her (6-5, 1364.94 PF)
A win’s a win, Kristina, but the hits just keep coming. With AJ Brown now on IR your team is holding on to the glory of seasons past by a hair… just like Mother Gothel:
Let’s recap some of the losses your team has had this year: Derrick Henry, Chase Edmonds, Robert Tonyan, and now AJ Brown are all on IR. Week 12 is now underway but your star tight end Waller is now hurt too. Toney could be the next Odell Beckham but he too is listed as doubtful. Ouch. Hard not to be a recluse after personnel losses like that.
That said, most of these guys were out last week too and you still managed to put up 122 on poor Hannah. Hurts, Lockett, and Deebo are still tremendous playmakers and you shrewdly picked up Collins who may not be flashy but at least he’s better than any other RB on your roster. Moreover your points scored (4th in the league) will likely get you in the playoffs if it comes down to a tie breaker, so there’s that as well.
But how are you the villain?
I can’t say you’d go as far as locking away a young girl in a tower to secure another championship but seeing as how this could be your FIFTH title well… I can’t rule it out either. Our cat Riggs is indoor-only too so… maybe he’s our Rapunzel?? Oh man this is a lot to process.
6. Kevin’s Little Beauties (6-5, 1301.52 PF)
No one’s slick like Kevin, no one’s quick as Kevin, no one’s neck’s as incredibly… thick as Kevin’s? Uh… you get the idea. These are my power rankings, so I do what I want.
The real point is this: my last three weeks have been three WINS, with scores of 92, 127, and 144 at that. With both Dalvin and CEH healthy and strong like Gaston my team is finally starting to play to where they were drafted. Herbert has had up and down weeks, but when he’s up he. Is. UP. Mooney has been a god-send from the waiver wire to shore up my awful WR corps, and hopefully Jamaar can continue being the red-zone machine he’s been since the start. If Antonio Brown can actually be healthy and not like, freeze his feet again I’ve got plenty to keep you all sweating going into the playoffs.
Bad side is I gave up a lot at tight end to secure a true WR1 and Jakobi is no longer the target monster he was the start of the season. Losses to a resurgent Richie and Dan would likely put my playoff hopes on ice, but I’m optimistic. Like Gaston!
But how are you the villain?
I’m not, duh! I’m everyone’s favorite guy! Also books is 4 nerdz.
5. Discount Double Choke (5-6, 1371.06 PF)
Don’t look now, but Evan has quickly climbed the ranks to become SECOND in points scored second only to Kimi. How you might ask? Probably through stealing the souls of Edmonds and Kamara to fuel his James Connor and Mark Ingram respectively. Evan, whatever it is, you’re looking positively god-like after last week… just like the lord of the underworld would have it (Hades):
In addition to the above, your stack of Rodgers and Adams is finally putting up the numbers you thought it would, the Patriots D/ST is feasting, and you have the depth to laugh off the Cardinals’ bye week which is coming at a critical time.
The bad? You might have let your ego and Saints fandom get in the way with your Tony Jones add, but that’s easy for me to say after the game has been played. Your opponent this week, severely weakened as they are, is none other than Kristina herself… and if anyone can claw a win with the undead over Hades we all know it’s her.
But how are you the villain?
Back in September you teased a weekly power rankings themed around the one true god himself… Nicolas Cage. Then you said everything the man starred in was excellent and that you could not possibly sully his name with comparisons to lowlifes like us? That couldn’t be more Hades if James Woods said it himself.
4. Jonesin’ For Snacks (6-5, 1270.14 PF)
Mia, you may only be playing for the snacks but you’re clearly pulling the strings for BOTH teams in the household, just like Yzma!
Sitting 6-5 with 1270 points scored you’re in similar shape to Hannah, your opponent this week. That doesn’t inspire confidence given where she is in the rankings but your roster certainly does. Fournette is the #12 RB in the league right now and just the right kind of guy to replace Jones if he sits (and that’s IF he sits). Diggs and Theilen are electric (and both top 10 receivers) plus you have Hockenson the #3 tight end rounding out your offense. I love the Bourne addition for WR depth; if you need someone to fill in an injury he’s a guy with a nice ceiling to get that W.
Like Yzma the only thing holding you back are some questionable, if not ambitious decisions including starting Daniel Jones multiple weeks (WRONG LEVER!!). This most recent trade resolves that issue but unfortunately you must get through Mahomes’ bye week first. Looking ahead you’ve got stiff competition against both Kimi and Brad, but the latter will likely find a way to lose all his own.
But how are you the villain?
Your only real weakness after last week was at QB. But then you go and trade an injured bird for Mahomes?? Well if next year’s trophy has “Empress Mia” on it we’ll know why.
3. Thou Shenault Pass (6-5, 1362.82 PF)
Josh, it’s your first season in the league but you’ve shown yourself to be one smooth operator (cue Mia singing). Sitting at 6-5 with 5th in points scored you might just dupe us all and become the reigning king-er… champ no one suspected at the start. Just like Hans of Frozen fame:
Let’s be real here: the past four weeks for you have been pretty rough. Like four-straight-losses-what-else-can-go-wrong rough, including a loss to yours truly (deliciously to Brad’s chagrin I might add). Lamb being out this week does you no favors, nor does Kelce’s bye week, and who knows what’s going on with the Titans RBs.
The good news is that Cam Newton is looking prime for fantasy again right as Stafford prepares for his annual hibernation. In addition to strong playmakers you also have both a terrific defense and kicker which can often be the difference maker in a matchup *cough* Cowboys *cough*. This week may or may not turn things around, but I predict strong showings in weeks 13 and 14. Look out Kristina and Evan!
…and what’s that? OH BAH GAWD- THAT’S KAREEM HUNT’S MUSIC!
But how are you the villain?
It’s been said before, but nabbing AP off Free Agency when he still wasn’t on a team was outright devious. We didn’t even have a chance!
2. Ridley Me This (6-5, 1366.6 PF)
Brad, you are clearly Sir Hiss of the classic Robin Hood. I mean look at that face!
I’ll be honest, when I first saw this picture looking for inspiration, I thought “Hey, that’s Brad!”. But then I read a bit more into the character (hey- it’s been a couple decades since I last saw this movie) and thought “Whoa, that is BRAD.” Like Sir Hiss, Brad:
· Roots for a Lion above all
· That same Lion never wins
· Is cocky, yet perceptive!
Putting you at #2 in these rankings I’ll also admit is a bit of a hedge here. On the one hand, your team has both the #1 ranked WR AND RB, plus your supporting players are showing up to boot. On the other, I want you to miss the playoffs. So the way I see it: if your team tanks going forward and I’m wrong, well, hurray! On the other if you continues putting up numbers then I’m right and I can still rub that in your face. *Mic drop*.
But how are you the villain?
You’re started the Bears D/ST against your own Lions! On Thanksgiving! And as a Bears fan they’re not even good! Classic Brad, classic Sir Hiss.
1. Chubby Choder (7-4, 1294.64 PF)
Dan, you magnificent bastard. ESPN had you at #9 after draft day but you’ve clawed your way to the top like only the most heartless, vengeful villains can taking out team after team in the process. You, sir, are none other than Luke Skywalker himself. There’s even a bit of physical likeness, too!
“But Luke isn’t a villain!” you say? Look, if it wasn’t already clear I’m just going to lay it all out there: the empire did nothing wrong. I’m not sure I’m ready to say who won or lost our (pretty much Jamaar Chase for Andrews) trade, but your team is easily top-3 in the league and it’s easy to see why. Chubb and Saquon are both healthy, and without Jason Garrett holding the latter back you might just have the best RB tandem going into week 12. Lamar Jackson has been shitting his brains out with some reportedly non-Covid sickness this past week, but when he’s healthy he’s fire. You swooped in on the Texans when the Jets are forced to start Zach Wilson and so could be in for a couple D/ST touchdowns this week too. The downside? Two out of your three remaining matchups are against top-half teams and Kareem being back could vulture some big-ass TD’s from that thicc Chubb of yours.
But how are you the villain?
We’re all just out here grinding week after week trying to put points on the table for our families… so what if it’s on a fully operational battle-station? A job’s a job! You like to say your team is just OK, but it’s all a Jedi mind trick. The simple reality is you’re plotting to destroy us all with a single photon torpedo, and being the only 7-4 team in the league you’re well positioned over our collective exhaust ports. Here’s hoping you take your T16 and pop one right in Brad’s womprats this week because I am here for that shit.
That’s all for now everyone. Thanks for reading and best of luck to you all (unless I play you of course).