Hello all! Brad here. Welcome to the third week of the fantasy football season and my first write-up of 2022. I want to apologize for the lack of a write-up last week as well, I let you down and that’s on me.
Evan and I try to keep these as fresh as possible with new themes and ideas, but I decided to bring back the “Why Your Team Sucks” edition of these rankings. So strap the fuck in and keep your feelings out of this.
Breeced Up Deaf Guy (2-0, 272.08 PF)
Before I bad mouth your team, I have to give you props for the team name. Well played.
Now that that is over… Woof! Matthew Stafford seems like he should have retired after winning the Superbowl. That offensive line is ass and could cause problems for him and his bum elbow. Your other QB might have the running ability fantasy managers crave, but alas, he plays for the bears. That’s never good for fantasy. The last thing I would like to say is THANK YOU! Thank you for taking the Chase Edmonds bullet. He sucks and you should drop him.
Ready to Get Hurts Again (2-0, 255.54 PF)
UGHHHHH! Here you are again, with the classic “I didn’t prepare at all” line from Tina dropped at the draft party, she still managed to draft a team that can boat race anyone. CLASSIC! However, outside of Tyreek Hill and Jalen Hurts, your team isn’t THAT scary. It seems like it may be a down year in Tennessee for Derrick Henry and if you’re depending on JuJu each week, you’re gonna have a bad time.
Kimi’s Kitten Kmitten (2-0, 249.99 PF)
Welp… Last Sunday was fun for me, and then Monday night happened. Diggs ruined my evening and it’ll be hard to forgive him, that one cut deep. Unfortunately, you drafted the wrong RB in Jacksonville as Robinson is obviously the dude. DJ Moore still depends on Matt JaRhule to learn how to coach and for Baker Mayfield to be a competent QB. Both are not likely to happen anytime soon. Enjoy your undefeated record, statistics say it won’t last.
He Was #1 (2-0, 244.36 PF)
You’ve only scored 244 points through two weeks, but 2-0 is lovely no matter how you get there. So far you are winning the infirmary title losing Trey Lance for the year and having Kittle sitting out the first two weeks. I foresee some massive peaks and valleys with this squad as Nick Chubb and AJ Dillon share their backfields. And as a Lions fan, good luck depending on Goff as a starting QB, that isn’t the most desirable position.
LET GENO COOK (1-1, 278.26 PF)
It’s unfortunate that you benefited from a person getting shot, but here we are. Until Brian Robinson gets back, Antonio Gibson really stabilizes your RB position. I just hope you can sleep at night knowing how we got there. Amari Cooper probably just had his best game of the season considering who he has throwing him the ball for most of the season and CeeDee also has a bum for QB for the foreseeable future.
Kevin’s Little Beauties (1-1, 260.58 PF)
Joe Burrow was sacked 51 times last year. That is not good. Do you know what’s worse? He’s on pace to be sacked 93 times this year. That does not bode well for your boy. I think Evan would agree with me on this one, Mike Evans is a THUG and should have been suspended for the rest of the season for his egregious actions on Sunday against the Saints. Hard to believe you would want a guy like that on your team. Also, Josh Jacobs sucks.
Not a Penny More (1-1, 259.4 PF)
It’s hard to bad mouth a team that opened the season with a 172 ass-blasting of their opponent, but then you made it easy after only scoring 87 points in week two. So thanks for making it easier on me! With Patrick Mahomes on your roster, I find it hard to see the logic in rostering a degenerate like Aaron Rodgers. Although I appreciate his outlook on hallucinogenics, I don’t think there are enough drugs in the world for him to be supportive of his god-awful receiving core dropping easy touchdowns all year. Speaking of the NFC North, drafting anyone from the Chicago Bears is a gamble, that doesn’t have the best odds. You should probably start the fire sale now, seems like week 1 was a fluke.
Samuel W Jackson (1-1, 242.14 PF)
You have Jonathan Taylor, but your WRs are suspect. Deebo caught a break getting Jimmy G back and forcing the Niners to run their old offense, but outside of that, you won’t scare anyone with the WRs you are trotting out each week. It’s probably time to drop Mooney. He plays for the Bears after all and I’m not sure how many times I have to say this, but drafting players from the Chicago Bears IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!
Mr Unliiiimitied (0-2, 247.36 PF)
Cam Akers??? You knew this wasn’t going to end well, and yet, you did it anyways. You deserve this 0-2 record. Russell Wilson is a chode. He’s more concerned with posting extremely cringey Tik Toks than trying to convince Hackett to do his job. If I lose this weekend (which I probably will), it will be full panic mode for me.
InIt4Snacks (0-2, 220.58 PF)
Your draft was ranked in the top half by multiple websites, but the team has not performed anywhere near its potential. Tom Brady looks gaunt and may need some wellness checks over the course of the season. Especially when you look at all the injuries to his offensive weapons and offensive line. It may be time to look elsewhere. Najee Harris is being hampered by Kevin’s favorite QB, Mitch Trubisky, which is not ideal for your first-round pick.
Nealda (0-2, 211.94 PF)
When your top three picks underperform, an 0 and 2 record is almost guaranteed. Kyle Pitts was a big risk at the top of the third round and so far it has blown up spectacularly in your face. Bad coaching is largely to blame. Always fun to hear a coach utter the words “it’s not fantasy football” when asked about why your best player isn’t getting the ball…
Kiss My Bass (0-2, 211.22 PF)
The lowest points for and the highest points against through two weeks… YIKES!
Week 3 matchup predictions:
Mr Unliiiimitied vs nealda
Advantage Dan after Thursday night’s game. I have been back and forth between Carson Wentz and Wilson all week, but I think I’m sticking with Russ and he does just enough to give me the win 127-120.
InIt4Snacks vs LET GENO COOK
As much as I would like to pick Mia, Drew just has too good of a team right now and already built a nice lead on Thursday night. Drew wins 140-120.
Breeced Up Deaf Guy vs Kevin’s Little Beauties
I’m going with Richie in this one. As much as I don’t like Stafford season-long, he has a juicy matchup and I don’t think Kevin’s chasing of points with Tua goes the way he hopes it does. Richie wins 125-118.
Samuel W Jackson vs Kiss My Bass
I think Hannah gets into the win column this weekend. Herbert will rub some dirt on his rib cartilage and put up his usual 25 points, giving her just enough to win 132-128.
Ready to Get Hurts Again vs Not A Penny Moore
Ivan has some juicy matchups this weekend with Monty and his Chiefs stack. He wins this one 142-132
He Was #1 vs Kimi’s Kitten Kmittens
Getting George Kittle back is a huge boost for Josh and this should be the game Dalvin Cook reminds everyone why he is a top 5 runningback against my Lions. Josh wins this one comfortably, 145-122.
Good luck this week everyone!
PS If anyone wants to do the write-up next week, let me know. Evan is in Europe and I have a busy work week.