Hi everyone,
Happy Week Three to everyone! Thanks Brad for writing an informative and entertaining batch of power rankings last week. Loved the GIFs, also loved that you also correctly pointed out that GIF is pronounced like the peanut butter, which is an undeniable fact.
I kept it simple this week. I thought about comparing your teams to various Nicolas Cage films, but everything the man has starred in is excellent and some of you are … well, not excellent. So unfortunately I cannot abide that sacrilege. I think Kimi is planning to take the Week 5 power rankings - if anyone is interested in taking week 4 or 6+, let us know!
Here are the rankings:
1. Waller?I Hardly Smith-Schuster (3-0, 453.5 PF)
It wasn’t pretty this week, but predictably you squeaked by with the win anyway. Richie lost Christian McCaffrey on Thursday, but AJ Brown’s Sunday exit neutralized that advantage enough that I wouldn’t characterize this as a cheap win. As unimpressive as this week was, you’re still the top scoring team in the league by a big margin - this week just served to remind us that you’re not invincible. Derrick Henry currently has more receptions than Alvin Kamara … if that keeps up, you’re probably not budging from the 1 spot any time soon.
2. Jonesin’ for Snacks (3-0, 400.2 PF)
Like Kristina, you’ve enjoyed a hot start but lucked out in week 3 behind some disappointing performances from most of your pass catchers coupled with an injury to one of Brad’s players. Adam Thielen and D’Andre Swift have both been pleasant surprises to this point – they’re both pretty fragile though. With that said, things are trending the right direction. If Robert Woods finds some traction in the Rams offense, watch out.
3. Chubby Choder (3-0, 389.24 PF)
Dan checks in at 3 this week after an impressive win versus Drew. It is great to see the Saquon hog the touches this week - it looks like the training wheels are off and your duo of Saquon and Chubb, along with the rushing prowess of Lamar Jackson, are going to result in some consistently high scoring weeks. Great call rolling with Ja’Marr Chase over Miles Sanders in your flex - a lesser man might have plugged in Sanders.
4. Thou Shenault Pass (2-1, 409.08 PF)
Despite not being undefeated you are second in the league in total points for and enjoyed a balanced week with big games from just about everyone you started. Kareem Hunt looked unstoppable, and Antonio Gibson’s big game could’ve been even bigger had he not dropped an easy touchdown. On paper your matchups this week were tough, and you still dropped close to 150 - and you’ve got one of the deeper benches in the league, too. Great start.
5. Casa Gronka (1-2, 389.24 PF)
A lot of disappointing performances this week in the Casa, but nothing to be concerned about. It was good to see Zeke living up to his draft position, but how Pollard eats into his production will be interested to watch season long. No one on your bench would’ve changed the outcome - sometimes you’ve just got to accept the L and look ahead to next week. Michael Thomas is one week closer to returning and should provide a nice shot in the arm soon.
6. Kiss my Bass (1-2, 370.54 PF)
Just as it’s a shame someone had to be credited with a win in the Kristina/Richie and Mia/Brad games this week, it’s also a shame one of you and Kimi had to take the L. Though anti-vaxxers are probably frustrating to deal with in your professional life, the anti-vaxxer in your slot “did his own research” up and down the field all day - his big game pushed you over the top. Great job getting your first win.
7. Koo Koo Kanga Roo (0-3, 390.22 PF)
Winless with more points than eight other teams - ouch. You’re still getting some love in the power rankings mainly because your team is pretty good despite your record. You’re doing everything you can to field a competitive team, I think the wins will come.
Kimi and I were watching the Seahawks/Vikings game Sunday afternoon. At some point in the second half Justin Jefferson made an amazing catch. I looked over at Kimi, arms folded and pouting. “Go fucking die!” she yelled. I never thought fantasy football would evoke such strong emotions from one of the calmest, most even keeled people I know.
8. Discount Double Choke (1-2, 361.76 PF)
Ty’Son Williams was a trendy pick to have a big game last week against the Lions but finished the game with five carries and 2.2 points. Otherwise, everyone played okay, but no combination of starters would have earned me the win over Josh this week. Looking ahead, it appears Josh Jacobs and Tee Higgins should only be out one more week, but even with everyone back my team is firmly in the “above average, but not great” tier indefinitely.
9. Judge Jeudy (1-2, 348.98 PF)
Well, losing Christian McCaffrey one quarter in against the Houston Texans is a bad omen, and by Sunday no one stepped up enough to make up ground against Kristina. Despite the loss, news that CMC’s hamstring injury is minor is a big win for you going forward. With Miles Gaskin and Corey Davis struggling, you’ll need some big weeks from CMC to keep you competitive. If you can steal a win without McCaffrey this week and/or next, your playoff chances are still strong.
10. Ridley Me This (102, 356.3 PF)
Losing the Nafivusse Civil War is never fun, especially knowing it would have been an easy win if Shepard didn’t go down with an injury. Cooper Kupp continues to play out of his mind, but when your second-highest non-QB scorer is your kicker, you’re probably going to have a bad time. Jonathan Taylor really needs to get his shit together – the lack of efficiency is costing you bigly. Looking ahead, Damien Harris should see an expanded role with James White suffering a season-ending injury, Aiyuk is starting to show up, and Emmanuel Sanders is proving to be a valuable flex option for you next week and beyond.
11. Kevin’s Little Beauties (1-2. 322.94 PF)
Big win last week, Kev. It wasn’t looking great for you for most of Sunday, but Justin Hebert out-dueling Patrick Mahomes put you over the top in close one. There is still hope for you this season, but your fate largely rests on Clyde Edwards-Helanie and Allen Robinson living up to their draft positions. Handcuffing Cook is paying early dividends for you as Mattison looked great against Seattle. It’s still way too early to write you off, but if Allen Robinson especially doesn’t pick it up I’m not sure you have the depth to compete this year.
12. Establish the Fun (1-2, 323.08 PF)
You were in a tough spot at RB with the Gus Edwards injury but picking up Cordarrelle Patterson is looking promising in the long term. The bigger issue for your team has been Tyreek Hill’s disappearing act the last couple of weeks, but he’s historically known to be a streaky player. With the Patterson pick up I think your starters are above average, but depth will likely be an issue for you once bye weeks start. I think you will need to hit on a couple of free agents that can play meaningful games for you to get back into the upper echelon of the league.
Week Four Predictions
Koo Koo Kangaroo vs. Ridley Me This
Both of your projections are at 123.5 as I’m writing this, but I am giving Kimi the edge as some of her best players have more favorable opponents this week. Kimi wins 136-129.
Thou Shenault Pass vs. Kiss My Bass
This is also likely to be a close one, but I think Josh wins – Antonio Gibson @ Atlanta, Kareem Hunt @ Minnesota, and the Bills D/ST vs. Houston all jump off the page as potential huge games. Josh wins 144-127.
Discount Double Choke vs. Judge Jeudy
With Christian McCaffrey out this week I’m giving myself the nod here. My Packers against a Pittsburgh team that looks down and out has me expecting a solid game. Kittle is finally seeing some targets and hopefully Mixon finds the end zone a couple times against Jacksonville tonight. I win 128-123.
Jonesin’ 4 Snacks vs. Kevin’s Little Beauties
Last time I picked against Mia, she won – and I got this sassy little SMS message:
“Tell me more about that comfortable win margin Kimi is going to win by, Evan…! [eye roll emoji]”
I think I am going to pick your opponent to defeat you every time I write this. Why? Because I’m a good friend. I feel good knowing I can help give you that little dopamine rush. I just wish I could see the aggressive snapping of the fingers followed by the “oh no he didn’t”, too. Kevin by 20.
Waller?I Hardly Smith-Schuster vs. Chubby Choder
I want Dan to win, but I think ultimately Kristina keeps on truckin’. Derrick Henry is going to destroy the Jets. Tyler Lockett and Darren Waller feel like safe bets for big games. Jalen Hurts is not good at football, but he still has value in the fantasy sphere and should be busy against the Chiefs. I think Kristina wins 138-120.
Establish the Fun vs. Casa Gronka
If Darrell Henderson is healthy enough to be a difference maker this week against the Rams, I think Drew wins. But given his questionable status along with your other hobbled big-time players, I am leaning Ivan here. Josh Allen is a lock for 30+ and the Hill/Metcalf duo run wild. Ivan wins 137-133.
Best of luck to everyone this week!
Love,
Your Commissioners